1. He must be French 2. He must be shorter than Wenger
3. He must NOT be a striker
4. He must weigh equivalent or less than Wengers weight divided by pi
5. He must NOT be older than Wengers age divided by pi
6. He must NOT be remotely close to the skill level of Thierry 'Lenny' Henry
7. He must NOT be from Britain, Guatemala, Canada or Uzbekistan.
8. He must NOT be from any Premiership club
9. He must be faster than Wengers speed multiplied by the square of pi
10. He must have a funny name that can be manipulated into a verbal pun
11. He must be able to take candy from a Baby without a second thought.
12. He must be unable to shoot at goal
13. He must not be older than Robin Van Skillz.
14. He must get the Wenger seal of approval. This is when he has to be better than Francis Jeffers
15. He must have a bizarre name.
16. He must have a fake passport.
17. He must be under the age of 10.
18. He must NOT be able to score
19. He must score more goals than the age of the earth divided by pi squared.
20. He must not be english.
21. He must be an immigrant.
22. He must surrender when playing a German team.
23. He must be able to dive.
24. He must shave his bum on a weekly basis.
25. He must have a brain as old as a 2 year old.
26. He must not be able to kick the ball further than twice his height.
27. He must get injured at least once a season
28. He must cry when the oppointents get a penalty and run to the other end.
29. He must not be named Martin Taylor.
30. He must occasionally touch himself in very unnecessary places while playing.
